Positivity + 1 Negativity - 4
Can you think of person that’s so negative that they’re physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining? Like, after you spend time with them, you have to give yourself a mini-vacation to restore your energies?
And then there are the people that are so positive that they’re invigorating, uplifting, and restoring? Like, after you spend time with them, you feel like your soul really needed that?
Surround yourself with those people! Time after time I’ve heard that you are the five people you surround yourself with. That if you want to know your future, look at the lives of your five closest friends.
***
Several years ago (2016) while simplifying, I eliminated my negative “friendships”.
The ones that were physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining.
The ones that made me feel less than my best.
The ones that dampened my positive spirit.
The ones that produced anxiety when I thought about spending time with them.
The ones that produced a negative inner dialogue naturally.
You know the ones.
And when I say I eliminated those friendships, I mean I simply stopped hanging out with them, or significantly limited my interactions with them, or stopped making them a priority.
The decision was wonderful because it freed up time for positive friendships and it’s wonderful to live life surrounded by positive individuals!
***
Then over time, relationships of the negative sort slowly crept back in. Just like material possessions, you can do a massive initial declutter, but you’ll occasionally have to do more “declutters” because material possessions slowly creep back in via gifts or cool free finds. Friendships or relationships are no different.
One relatively recent relationship in particular, I willingly allowed the negativity because I knew I could restore after our time spent together. Plus, I genuinely believed that maybe, just maybe, my positive disposition would rub off and maybe that person wouldn’t be so negative.
*** Side note, I am fully aware that statement sounds cocky but I do naturally see the world through rose colored lenses and it’s almost to a fault.
Anyway, I allowed this negativity in my life until it no longer affected just me but impacted others around me as well as multiple domains in my life. And at that point, it became pretty easy to exit the relationship.
***
This past July, I was hiking Mount Antero with my friend, Jess, and we were talking about positive people versus negative people.
Jess, using her hands to illustrate, taught me that a positive person does not bring a negative person up. Rather, a negative person brings a positive person down. That a positive person will lower their happiness in an effort to meet the negative person where they need to be met. Not vice-versa.
Read that again.
Feeling enlightened, I did a little research.
According to Shilagh Mirgain at UW Health (University of Wisconsin) and her article “How others influence your happiness,” a negative person can increase in happiness 25% if in the proximity of a positive person. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Positive people increasing others’ happiness 25%! Way to go positive people!
But think again.
Mirgain goes on to say that the impact for the positive person is actually far more detrimental. That a negative person decreases a positive person’s happiness 4 to 7 times that amount! So let me get this straight, if I bring a negative person up one notch, they bring me down 4 to 7 notches?! I just don’t believe that kind of relationship is worth it! Do you?
Furthermore, the happiness of an individual extends up to three degrees of separation. Meaning, our level of happiness impacts not just our friends and not just our friend’s friends. Our level of happiness impacts our friend’s friends’ friends. If those apostrophes are a bit mindboggling, just know that negativity is crazy contagious.
So what does Mirgain suggest? Like my aforementioned strategies, Mirgain recommends setting boundaries, minimizing interactions, or cutting ties altogether with negative people.
***
So back to my opening inquiry of identifying someone in your life that’s so negative that they’re physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. If you answered yes, just know that research validates your struggle! And may I suggest simplifying your relationship? Because even though you may sacrificially strive to meet them where they are and even manage to raise their happiness one notch, just know that they’re lowering yours at least four. And that’s substantial.
If you are the five people you hang around with, don’t be less best version of yourself.
BE Simple. BE Happy.
Best,
Belay
